Thursday, April 23, 2009

Mutant Mouse

This afternoon I had an urge to go out back and see exactly how tall the weeds that have been growing unattended for the last seven months are, and I wish I would have had a camera on my person, as I normally do.
At first, I thought it was my dog that was playing hide and go seek with me from behind the stainless steel BBQ in the side yard and I called out to her. What I saw next is still making me want to burn down my apartment complex, change my name and move to Bali where the only thing I'll have to worry about is a couple of Kimodo dragons and being the whitest, most obese person in the tiny disease ridden country.
It had short brown hair and a long wiry tail. This creature had the body of a large mouse and the head of a small dog. I have never seen a goiter up close and personal before, but I imagine that whatever this mass of skin and hair was that was hanging from this poor animal's face, was a goiter. The head was at least a full ten inches in diameter, swollen and tight, like a ready-to-pop zit on a thirty year old man's back. It had a slow, steady and purposeful stride. It paused gracefully and turned it's engorged face toward mine. The creature's eyes gazed right to the core of everything that I fear. Small, fury animals, rat-esque creatures, goiters...
He, well, I'm guessing it was a male, looked at me with such intensity that I forgot how to move. At this point my chihuahua realized there was an intruder walking through her territory and sniffed at him furiously. It didn't phase him a bit. I was in awe. How could a creature of such tiny stature not be affected by a humongous predator such as a chihuahua? I tried in vain to flip open my phone and get to the camera option to take a quick picture so my husband would not think I was some crazed lunatic making up a story about a mutant mouse in our side yard. The mutant gained his composure and started toward the wooden fence that separates our back yard to the neighbors and in a flash, he was gone from my life, my eyesight and shooting range.


  1. When I first moved to Georgia from Alaska (because the Army likes to fuck with people like that) I was in middle school and one day one of my stepsisters and I were at the bus stop and a HUGE rat crossed the road. Turns out it was a "possum", but we were traumatized nonetheless. It would be the first of many times we would ask "What the fuck is up with Georgia?" (Actually, I was not using the f-word yet, unlike my stepsister who pretty much started walking saying, "Where the fuck is my bottle?"

  2. BTW, I hate the word verification thing. Leoso is not a word!! And I'm pretty sure cocutso isn't either, although it kinda sounds like a cool Japanese insult.

  3. First of all,'re not obese. If anything, you're probably no more than Rubenesque and that's just yummy. Secondly, if you think they don't have rat-like creatures in Bali, you are in for a TREAT! Hell, they have the mouse-deer there for crying out loud and those are the smallest, cutest of the bunch.

    As for the mutations of this "mouse," how do you think it got that way? What do you toss out the back door into those weeds, anyway?

  4. Byron, I love you. Rubenesque... I'll have to use that in conversation one of these days. Um, I don't toss anything into the weeds, they kind of have a life of their own back there and I guess I'll scratch any thoughts of traveling to Bali anytime soon... mouse-deer? I'll google it.
    Georgia always sounded nice, but I guess that's one more place I'll put off until near death and Kim you are hilarious as usual.

  5. Whoa, that is some messed up rodent...gross! I would have screamed and ran the other direction.


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