Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Mother In Law Chronicles Part One

This blog is red for a reason. I won't tell you which bodily fluid I wish I had drained from my mother in law to write with it is... but I'm sure you have guessed it by now.
I've dealt with this impossible woman for almost ten years and it seems there is no end in sight unless my husband decides to leave me and the kids stranded in Fresno with nothing to survive on other than our chihuahua and our EBT card.
My mother in law insists on telling my children that I am the devil because I refuse to take them to Sunday school, which I did take my oldest daughter to once and they told her that if she believed in Jesus she could walk through fire... so yaahhh, we're not goin' back. She also has a tendency to tell my children to ask me super inappropriate questions like, "Mommy, do you smoke when you're pregnant?" And when I finally got the courage to let her in on the surprise of our third child, she informed me that I am white trash.
I'm glad congratulations isn't a popular response anymore... that word always rubbed me the wrong way anyhow.
So, I have decided to ignore her, which is a difficult feat if you realized the type of woman I am dealing with here. I decided to ignore all of her phone calls, and due to the fact that she calls our home twenty-four times a day, it has been trying. She has decided to ignore the fact that I am ignoring her and is even more persistent and leaves me messages like this:
"Hello Shawna, this is Michele. I am calling to speak to my grandchildren. You can have them call me on my work phone at 760-873-XXXX or on my cell. I have already left a message with David for the girls to call me and I will text him to let him know I have called you. Thank you for your time."
I think she figures if she tries to kill me with business like civility, I might actually die.


  1. Sounds like your mother-in-law and mine were separated at birth. My problem is, my wife and she are attached at the hip. She can leave her mother's house and literally within 5 minutes, her mom is calling her or texting her. At least she doesn't press us on the whole "religion" thing.

    Sounds like you need a shooter of whiskey, a cigarette and a couple of tabs. You ARE white trash after all, right?

  2. the best MILs are the dead ones and the ex ones.

  3. Is it white trash to drink whiskey while pregnant? There's got to be some sort of prenatal benefit to outweigh the cons of that decision...

  4. wife stayed drunk AND smoked through most of her first pregnancy and our son turned out just fine! And the payoff after birth is bonus...hell, the boy didn't cry or fuss for MONTHS after he was born. At least while he was breast-feeding, that is. He still doesn't say much and his eyes are a little glassy most of the time but he's a picture of good health!


Business in the front, party in the back.