Thursday, August 27, 2009

You have some good qualities... your diet needs improvement...

So, after weighing the option of either giving my marriage another go, dying sad and lonely or asking for pointers on what the dating scene is like nowadays, I finally decided to ask a platonic guy friend what my chances would be out in the world among the male species.

"So what do you think? Am I hot or a leper?"
"You've got some good qualities...your diet needs improvement."
"I have to go now. Thanks for the 'fat chat.'"
"Well, you have a pretty face and great skin. You just need to trim up your stomach, ass and those thighs."

I have stopped wondering why he will be a perpetual bachelor.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Sweet Reminders

So yesterday marked my fifth wedding anniversary and to celebrate I dropped one of our daughters off at my husband's new place since the split. He is without a car right now so he asked if I could drive him to the place where we spent our honeymoon five short years ago... Taco Bell.
After that he went and bought me a gas station rose and got me a card, in which he scrawled, "You're my best friend. Like it or not."
I got that it was supposed to be a sweet gesture- isn't the traditional fifth wedding anniversary present the Bonsai plant or something??

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Last Six Days

I have tried for the last ten years of my life to avoid being stereotyped as "White Trash." The last six days have, however, have made me contemplate fighting it anymore.
Here's a country song that doesn't rhyme-

My husband left me
With two kids
And one on the way.
Stole my phone
No money
No gas
Past due electricity bill
And unemployed.
Also, he left the chihuahua.

If I don't make it in Nashville I don't know who will. Or this could be a new form of Haiku, except I'll call it something different like "ofcoursethisshitwouldhappenrightnow."