Wednesday, April 15, 2009


I imagine my biological clock looking something to the effect of the White Rabbit's stopwatch in Alice in Wonderland, only after the tea party incident. Instead of the Mad Hatter shoving sweet treats and miscellaneous objects into the gears and springs, I picture my children destroying my reproductive pocket watch (or if the analogy doesn't suit you... uterus) by jamming Barbie's formal gowns and pumps along with sippie cup stoppers, bits of Captain Crunch, clear fluoride free toothpaste, Velcro straps from new and improved Pampers and a never ending supply of snot bubbles into the backing and guts of my miniature grandfather clock. I'm pretty sure I've made up my mind to shut down the infant factory for good. I'll lock up the uterine gates and hire a couple of Oompa Loompas to wheelbarrow my ovaries over to the churning, turning chocolate river and drown them.

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Business in the front, party in the back.