In need of a get away...

This I the absolute loneliest I have ever felt in my life. The last few months I have tried to put a positive, humorous spin on my situation with my ex and my life in general and it just isn't working any more. I wish there were something laughable about my life. Something I could find humor in to bring me out of this rut I am in as far as writing and smiling go. The only thing I can find humorous at this moment is that I am working on a sequel to a book that hasn't even been published. It hasn't been published because I haven't even tried to send it off to a publisher out of sheer terror that I will be rejected. I am supposed to be over this. I am supposed to know that I will be rejected and be ok with it, but I can't accept the fact that someone may not love it. I play safe and give it to friends to read, which is stupid and self gratifying, but it is the only thing in my comfort zone that I am willing to do with my words. I need someone to slap me real hard across the face and bring me out of my funk. I need a motivational speaker to come to my house and tell me that what I am going through is better than living in a van down by the river. I need a babysitter to relieve me of my kid duties for five minutes so I can pee without someone cracking the door and asking me for more honeydew. I need a maid. I need to breathe. I need to focus. Everything seems blurry and hours are turning into self-pitying days. I need a time machine and a better mechanism in my brain for logical thinking instead of getting wrapped up in thinking that my life will magically apply it's very own band-aid and everything will work out like it always does in all of my favorite movies and books. I need to stop compulsively texting people because I am driving them insane with my neediness. I need to stop checking on my Facebook every five seconds to feel like I am connecting with humans because all of them on there are just farming anyways. I need a mental vacation and the nap I took today to simulate one was cut short by a screaming baby and the sound of my chihuahua eating a diaper out of the trash.

Men Are Ass Hats.

The title says it all.

You have some good qualities... your diet needs improvement...

So, after weighing the option of either giving my marriage another go, dying sad and lonely or asking for pointers on what the dating scene is like nowadays, I finally decided to ask a platonic guy friend what my chances would be out in the world among the male species.

"So what do you think? Am I hot or a leper?"
"You've got some good qualities...your diet needs improvement."
"I have to go now. Thanks for the 'fat chat.'"
"Well, you have a pretty face and great skin. You just need to trim up your stomach, ass and those thighs."

I have stopped wondering why he will be a perpetual bachelor.

Sweet Reminders

So yesterday marked my fifth wedding anniversary and to celebrate I dropped one of our daughters off at my husband's new place since the split. He is without a car right now so he asked if I could drive him to the place where we spent our honeymoon five short years ago... Taco Bell.
After that he went and bought me a gas station rose and got me a card, in which he scrawled, "You're my best friend. Like it or not."
I got that it was supposed to be a sweet gesture- isn't the traditional fifth wedding anniversary present the Bonsai plant or something??

The Last Six Days

I have tried for the last ten years of my life to avoid being stereotyped as "White Trash." The last six days have, however, have made me contemplate fighting it anymore.
Here's a country song that doesn't rhyme-

My husband left me
With two kids
And one on the way.
Stole my phone
No money
No gas
Past due electricity bill
And unemployed.
Also, he left the chihuahua.


If I don't make it in Nashville I don't know who will. Or this could be a new form of Haiku, except I'll call it something different like "ofcoursethisshitwouldhappenrightnow."

Cry Me A Crick

This pregnancy is sooo not fun anymore. The baby finally made some sort of movement yesterday which was pretty exciting and today I found out that it is a girl. Another damned girl! I already have two of those. I guess it is good because I pretty much know what to expect in terms of moodiness but I started thinking about it and, between my three girls, I am going to have NINE consecutive years of dealing with teenagers. Teenage girls. On the upside, the ultrasound today confirmed my idea to buy stock in Tampax so hopefully we'll be able to break even every month.
Of course, after I was told it was a girl, I had to do the whole call the family and text the other people I didn't want to hear me crying. The following texts are to and from my cousin Curt:

Me: It's a girl! Again!

Curt: Good God. Well, I guess some parents are more equipped than others to deal with the wrath of an all girl family. Good luck with that.

Me: Yah, thanks so much. Do you have a good heroin hook-up?

Curt: Not right now but I'm pretty sure I can find one.

Me: Keep your eyes peeled.

To All My Millions Of Loyal Followers....

I'm totally allowed to be delusional about my popularity.

Check out this site: http://fishfrog2.blogspot.com/

Also, I am sorry I am stupid and could not make that into a proper link... copy and paste lazies.