Wednesday, November 11, 2009
This I the absolute loneliest I have ever felt in my life. The last few months I have tried to put a positive, humorous spin on my situation with my ex and my life in general and it just isn't working any more. I wish there were something laughable about my life. Something I could find humor in to bring me out of this rut I am in as far as writing and smiling go. The only thing I can find humorous at this moment is that I am working on a sequel to a book that hasn't even been published. It hasn't been published because I haven't even tried to send it off to a publisher out of sheer terror that I will be rejected. I am supposed to be over this. I am supposed to know that I will be rejected and be ok with it, but I can't accept the fact that someone may not love it. I play safe and give it to friends to read, which is stupid and self gratifying, but it is the only thing in my comfort zone that I am willing to do with my words. I need someone to slap me real hard across the face and bring me out of my funk. I need a motivational speaker to come to my house and tell me that what I am going through is better than living in a van down by the river. I need a babysitter to relieve me of my kid duties for five minutes so I can pee without someone cracking the door and asking me for more honeydew. I need a maid. I need to breathe. I need to focus. Everything seems blurry and hours are turning into self-pitying days. I need a time machine and a better mechanism in my brain for logical thinking instead of getting wrapped up in thinking that my life will magically apply it's very own band-aid and everything will work out like it always does in all of my favorite movies and books. I need to stop compulsively texting people because I am driving them insane with my neediness. I need to stop checking on my Facebook every five seconds to feel like I am connecting with humans because all of them on there are just farming anyways. I need a mental vacation and the nap I took today to simulate one was cut short by a screaming baby and the sound of my chihuahua eating a diaper out of the trash.