Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Cry Me A Crick

This pregnancy is sooo not fun anymore. The baby finally made some sort of movement yesterday which was pretty exciting and today I found out that it is a girl. Another damned girl! I already have two of those. I guess it is good because I pretty much know what to expect in terms of moodiness but I started thinking about it and, between my three girls, I am going to have NINE consecutive years of dealing with teenagers. Teenage girls. On the upside, the ultrasound today confirmed my idea to buy stock in Tampax so hopefully we'll be able to break even every month.
Of course, after I was told it was a girl, I had to do the whole call the family and text the other people I didn't want to hear me crying. The following texts are to and from my cousin Curt:

Me: It's a girl! Again!

Curt: Good God. Well, I guess some parents are more equipped than others to deal with the wrath of an all girl family. Good luck with that.

Me: Yah, thanks so much. Do you have a good heroin hook-up?

Curt: Not right now but I'm pretty sure I can find one.

Me: Keep your eyes peeled.

To All My Millions Of Loyal Followers....

I'm totally allowed to be delusional about my popularity.

Check out this site:

Also, I am sorry I am stupid and could not make that into a proper link... copy and paste lazies.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Mopping Up Malaria

My husband informed me today that the reason why our kids have been getting the flu is because I don't clean the house good enough. Fine, fucker. You just bought yourself a front row ticket to the Shawna's Vacuuming Extravaganza each and every time you feel like relaxing and watching a movie. Now if you will excuse me, I have dishes to wash so that my children can avoid the plague.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Cough, Sneeze, Piss, Puke and Piss some more.

OK. I might lose a few readers because of the contents of this blog, but then again, I might gain some too. Here goes...

This morning I started a pot of coffee as soon as my eyes popped open and I downed a cup as quickly as possible, which in turn made me choke a little bit. I started coughing and sneezing at the same time and because I am on my third kid, my bladder isn't what it used to be. The sudden respiratory attack allowed my bladder to let lose it's contents all over the front of my pants. I jumped in the shower and thought the worst was over, until I finished bathing and felt that hot lump of an oncoming vomit fill up the length of my throat. I barely had enough time to wrap myself up in a towel before a violent bout of vomiting started taking place. I didn't even have time to kneel in front of the toilet before the chunks started flying out of my mouth. Thankfully, I made every last bit of it into the toilet. What I didn't make into the toilet was the last bit of urine left in my body and my hurried hurl left me pissing uncontrollably all over the floor... or at least I thought I was peeing on the floor. I didn't realize in my vomit induced stupor that I was actually standing over a bucket of Barbies that the kids like to drag in and out of the bathtub for playtime. Barbie has never been so blond in her entire life. After I flushed away the vomit and bleached the floor around the toy tub I sat debating whether or not to boil the toys or toss them. I decided to boil them and give the pee trinkets back to the kids because Barbies are fucking expensive.

Anyway, I hope I made you laugh and not puke.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Easy Cheese

I just laughed harder than I have laughed in about three weeks. I was talking to my sister on the phone, as I do every 15 minutes or so, and she informed me that because she just got done spending all of her money on sanitary pads and Lunchables she is now forced to wait until Saturday, when her disability check is expected to arrive in the mail, to purchase the Easy Cheese she's been looking forward to eating.

Waiting for my Twinkie

My sister and I were arch nemesisisisis for years. Twenty one years to be exact. I'm not quite sure what started the sibling feud, but I have a feeling it had something to do with my sister wanting to follow me around like a puppy, and the fact that I was pure evil as a child. I was so adorable and unassuming. Only Krista knew the real Shawna behind the big brown eyes that captivated any audience. Only Krista knew the damage my beautiful batting eyelashes were capable of. I would volunteer to babysit her to get brownie points from our parents and as soon as the latch on the door would catch on their way out I would find any reason and any means to torture my poor sister. I have tied her to our mailbox and left her out there to be discovered by our mother hours later, I hid hot chilis in her churros and once, and I am not proud of this in any way, I went as far as dropping a radio on her face to stop her from tattling on me. It didn't work too well.
Anyway, all this evil aside, we have managed to become really close over the last seven years and have talked via phone or text every minute on the minute since we made nice. She's planning on moving to Fresno with me next month and the suspense is killing me! I can't wait until she makes it here so I can hang out with my best friend, my bestie if you will. My twinkie.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Stealing the Internet back and Hating Hormones.

FINALLY... I have the internet again. I have been going a little crazy without cable, internet and for a very brief period, electricity.
I stole a wi-fi card from a friend today, who, although I steal from this person, he is a very good friend. So I guess that's just a word of warning to all yall's. No access to the outside world makes a person do crazy things.
And, speaking of crazy, I am a hormonal nightmare. This new kid is totally jacking my mind up. I screamed at my husband for creating a new email address today because, in the short amount of time he was in the shower, I had convinced my brain that he was definitely using it for accessing porn sites because I am fat and ugly.
Arg. Give me your craziest pregnancy hormone story.