Thursday, April 16, 2009

Burnt Vagina Monolouge*

OK- the reason I have decided to post this is because Jenny The Bloggess is not only hilarious, but she inspired me to share my story with the rest of the world... even if you don't want to read about my vagina... because of one of her most recent posts. Check her out if you haven't already. You'll become her number one stalker like I have.
I have scalded my mouth with hot coffee before, hundreds of times, but the other day something happened that was a first, even for me. I am going to let my vagina narrate the story, if you don’t mind.
Today started off great. After a brief shower, I slipped into my favorite pair of underwear and then into my favorite pair of jeans. Even though I knew there was no chance in hell I would be participating in sex today, I felt sexy. I went with Shawna into the kitchen to warm up a mug of coffee in the microwave and unassumingly followed her outside while she smoked. The last thing I remember before all of the chaos was the sound of a cigarette being lit. All of the sudden there was an uncomfortable amount of heat, and I’m not talking about the KY kind of heat, this was unbearable. I heard Shawna screaming obscenities, a door slam, and then I was abruptly cold and disrobed. I wasn’t sure what had happened; I was disoriented and in severe pain. This might have been worse than the first time I experienced a human child emerging from within myself, and that was pretty intense. I heard Shawna talking to someone… a neighbor I think. I am informed through eavesdropping that I am a burn victim. Thoughts are racing. Does Shawna have any burn cream? Will I be disfigured? Will I blister and scab? Apparently Shawna fumbled the maneuver to light a cigarette while balancing a coffee cup on her knee and every bit of the steaming hot coffee poured directly into my region.
I speak with my two closest neighbors about the accident. Right Upper Thigh says she’ll be ok, but I am extremely concerned for Left Upper Thigh. She’s not in good shape. She has loss of feeling in some areas and is having sharp pains and some throbbing in others. I will refrain from telling her what she looks like, she’d just get weepy and worry about scars. I hear Shawna clumsily combing through her toiletries. Ah… she’s so smart. She’s always thinking ahead, that Shawna. She bought burn kits from Target several months ago. I remember the man who lives with her asking her why she would ever waste money on such a useless item but she stood her ground and refused to return her find to the store. Good for you Shawna! She applies the burn cream to the affected areas and I feel almost instant relief. Left Upper Thigh calmed down a bit and we all decided a good long nap was in order.
* The title of this entry was the idea of none other than Bean herself. Thanks Bean, for being one of the coolest people I know.


  1. I read this whole post with my legs crossed very tightly. Ouchy!

  2. You don't even have to OWN a vagina to feel your pain on this one.

  3. It was slightly traumatic. I will never again try to balance a coffee cup on my knee... so lesson learned I guess...

  4. If it isn't completely inappropriate my vagina would like to send your vagina her condolences.

  5. Wow. OK, so you and The Bloggess are so lucky (not about the scorched hoo hoo though). I mean REALLY. Ladies have all the luck.

    The Vagina Monologues, it just sound cool. I mean really if I wrote something called "The Dingus Files" it wouldn't be anywhere near as fabulous.

    Keep the writing coming but don't destroy your Snoopie in the process OK.

  6. The Dingus Files huh? I love it! Do you think you could pitch that to someone at Adult Swim or Jon Stewart? And thanks to Kat for youe condolences.

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