After about a half of a year of dealing with divorce and the miserable circumstances that normally follow a split, I have decided not to let any of the bullshit that I've been dealing with make me angry any more. Although I am prone to anger *like vein popping, heart exploding in chest, froth at the mouth anger* I do not like the emotion in the least. So, I will stop feeling it. Instead, I am going to share with all of humanity (or 18 followers) some of the absolutely pathetic, but hilarious moments in my divorce thus far. Here goes nothin'.
Ex: I miss you. I have a surprise for you.
Me: You know I fucking hate surprises. What is it?
Ex: Can't tell you. But it's GREAT!
Me: Well, when do I get this great surprise? Can you just tell me already I seriously hate this crap.
Ex: I'll give it to you after work tonight.
*several hours pass*
Ex: Hey- do you want to know what it is?
Me: I thought I was getting it after you got off work or something. Of course I want to know what it is but if it's jewellery just take it back. I don't want it.
Ex: Not jewellery.
Ex: Not Pez.
Me: I'm tired of guessing. What in the hell is it?
Ex: Are you sure you want me to ruin the surprise?
Me: Will you knock it off already. I can't stand this. I don't even want it any more. Fuck it, whatever it is.
Ex: Alright I'll tell you.
*about an hour goes by*
Ex: You don't seem excited.
Me: I'm not.
Ex: Well you will be when I give it to you. I'll give you a hint- I've been wanting to get it for you for a while now.
Me: Is it child support? Because if it's child support I'm starting to get excited.
Ex: Well, no, but I'm working on that too.
*another hour goes by*
Ex: OK. I'm ready to tell you now.
Ex: It's Viagra.
*several minutes go by*
Me: Did you actually file the divorce papers or am I going to have to wait another six months to get this shit over with?
Ex: What? I thought you'd be excited.
Me: We haven't slept together in six months. Why in the hell would I be excited about a Viagra? Are you giving it to me to take because I don't think I can get an erection after this conversation.
Ex: No, it was for me to take and for you to enjoy.
Me: Huh. So... it ws actually a surprise for YOU then.
Ex: No, I got it for you.
Me: I think you got it for you.
Ex: You don't seem happy.
Me: Ya think?