Sunday, January 24, 2010

Hilarity in Hell.

After about a half of a year of dealing with divorce and the miserable circumstances that normally follow a split, I have decided not to let any of the bullshit that I've been dealing with make me angry any more. Although I am prone to anger *like vein popping, heart exploding in chest, froth at the mouth anger* I do not like the emotion in the least. So, I will stop feeling it. Instead, I am going to share with all of humanity (or 18 followers) some of the absolutely pathetic, but hilarious moments in my divorce thus far. Here goes nothin'.

Ex: I miss you. I have a surprise for you.
Me: You know I fucking hate surprises. What is it?
Ex: Can't tell you. But it's GREAT!
Me: Well, when do I get this great surprise? Can you just tell me already I seriously hate this crap.
Ex: I'll give it to you after work tonight.
Me: Fine.
*several hours pass*
Ex: Hey- do you want to know what it is?
Me: I thought I was getting it after you got off work or something. Of course I want to know what it is but if it's jewellery just take it back. I don't want it.
Ex: Not jewellery.
Me: Pez?
Ex: Not Pez.
Me: I'm tired of guessing. What in the hell is it?
Ex: Are you sure you want me to ruin the surprise?
Me: Will you knock it off already. I can't stand this. I don't even want it any more. Fuck it, whatever it is.
Ex: Alright I'll tell you.
*about an hour goes by*
Ex: You don't seem excited.
Me: I'm not.
Ex: Well you will be when I give it to you. I'll give you a hint- I've been wanting to get it for you for a while now.
Me: Is it child support? Because if it's child support I'm starting to get excited.
Ex: Well, no, but I'm working on that too.
Me: Great.
*another hour goes by*
Ex: OK. I'm ready to tell you now.
Me: huh.
Ex: Ready??
Me: shoot.
Ex: It's Viagra.
*several minutes go by*
Ex: So?
Me: Did you actually file the divorce papers or am I going to have to wait another six months to get this shit over with?
Ex: What? I thought you'd be excited.
Me: We haven't slept together in six months. Why in the hell would I be excited about a Viagra? Are you giving it to me to take because I don't think I can get an erection after this conversation.
Ex: No, it was for me to take and for you to enjoy.
Me: Huh. So... it ws actually a surprise for YOU then.
Ex: No, I got it for you.
Me: I think you got it for you.
Ex: You don't seem happy.
Me: Ya think?

The end.


  1. LOL! I love the Child Support line!

    Also, how dumb can he be? "Hey I banged your friend with the "Wart Thing" and all, can we get it on now? I got some meds to make what is mind numbingly boring for you anyway last EVEN LONGER!


    Yeah. Let him take it, then don't give him any. Dude deserves to walk around with a kick stand for 4 or 5 hours.


    Kick him in the nuts for me please.


Business in the front, party in the back.